


The Long way Home

by teaandcharcoal



Series: Game Breakers [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Humanstuck, M/M, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Post-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-31
Updated: 2013-10-05
Packaged: 2017-12-25 05:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/949158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaandcharcoal/pseuds/teaandcharcoal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas has been living a not-too-shitty life recently. He's got some good friends and his classes aren't even that god-awful. Then this douchebag, John Egbert, who happens to be in like half of his classes and starts making him remember things about trolls and frogs and gods. And sometimes remembering past lives has consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet John fucking Egbert

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Homestuck fic, and it's a pretty long one. I have the rest of it typed up and it totals over 17,000 words and then will be part of a series. I'm sort of testing the water here. I hope you like it!

My whole life I've been a stone-cold atheist. I always believed that there's no magic, no past lives, no nothing, that what you see is all you fucking get and that religion was invented to make primitive people feel better about the fact that they could be eaten by a tiger the very next day and explain things science couldn't yet. I mean, science still doesn't have everything completely worked out yet, so I can see how some people would still want the crutch, but I've never bought into it. It probably helps that Kankri drilled it into my head since I was a baby. I mean, by now I've learned to tune him out, but having one of the craziest social activists in the world who _also_ happens to be an outspoken existentialist as your big brother/legal guardian kind of rubs off on you.

But I'll talk about that fucker later. He's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because of John fucking Egbert.

(Terezi's telling me that sounds like he's having weird incestuous or masturbatory shit going on, but she was there, she knows what it means. I'd say fuck her but she'd take that wrong too).

Picture this: it's the first day of my sophomore year of college. I'm sitting in my history class not giving a fuck (I hated lib eds with a passion, but it was my _last one_. And at least it was history of _film._ ) The teacher's doing roll call. I'm last on the list, again, so by the time they get to me absolutely no one is paying attention. But then when they say my name the kid in front of me sits bolt up like a fucking freak.

Whatever. Gamzee's crazier and that motherfucker was my best friend at the time. So I say that I'm here and the kid whips around and stares at me like in awe like I just told him he won publishers fucking clearing house. At the time I can't quite place it. Something about the messy black hair, buck teeth, and dorky glasses seemed familiar, but I couldn't remember why if it meant a freight train full of adorable innocent little orphans was going to be thrown into a volcano. He has these super intense blue eyes too, and right about then it was making me feel real fucking uncomfortable.

"Karkat?" He asks softly.

"Mister Egbert, please turn back around. It's time to begin." He does so slowly, but doesn't take his eyes off of me for as long as possible. Weirdo.

I didn't really think about it after that. Like I said, my school is full of nutjobs, wackos, all kinds of freaks. If it wasn't for all the shit these fuckers had sent me to get me to apply I'd assume that Kankri had secretly enrolled me in a school for the mentally ill. You know, he might have anyway. I'll have to check. So I _would_ have let it go and gone on with not caring, but he cornered me after class was dismissed.

"Karkat, is it really you? One way or the other I have to know."

"Who the fuck is asking?"

He looked really hurt. "I'm John. John Egbert."

"Okay. Cool. Nice to meet you John Egbert. Now I gotta get to my next class."

"Wait! Karkat!" He grabbed my wrist. "It's John. Ectobiologist. Blue windy guy? Karkat, please."

"Look, I don't fucking know you, and I'd rather _not_ get to know a fucknut like you." I pulled my wrist free.

He left his hand hanging where it was, looking like I'd taken some big-ass hammer and smashed his soul with it. "I don't. Please. You have to remember. I can tell it's you. I see it in your eyes. Karkat, you were my friend."

I turned and walked away, flipping him off for good measure. I hoped that would get him to leave me alone for the rest of the semester. It alienated most people quick enough. But no. Later that same damn day he was in my Latin film class. And when I walked in the door he looked like he got a surprise visit from the goddamn president. I looked like Jason Voorhees was sitting in the back row.

When I recovered I gave him a dirty look and got the furthest seat I could. He spent the next five minutes scooting closer and closer until he was right behind me. I held my head high and ignored him as best I could, hoping that maybe he was the kind of sick fuck who got off on being told they're sick fucks and if I ignored him he'd get bored and pick a new target. No such luck. I did the same thing the next day but he was still right there.

After a week, I got sick of it. "Okay, fine. I give: what the fuck is your problem, fuckface?!"

"I'm sorry, Karkat. I know you don't remember me. I know this seems so weird to you, but I- I can't help how happy I am to see you. I thought after we finished English I'd never see you again."

"English? I know it's been a while, but I'm pretty damn sure I've never had you in an English class. I'd remember someone like-"

"Not the subject, the person. Lord English. Reflect on it."

"Why the fuck should I?"

He smiled at me. "I asked myself the same thing when Jade – she's my cousin. She played with us, remember, she was the Witch of Space – told me. She's always been a little odd. Nana used to tell me that the island she lives on has all sorts of weird isotopes in the water, so I didn't believe her either. When she was thirteen she told me she'd started having these visions of other worlds, of really wacky shenanigans we got up to. I listened to her story because she's my cousin and she doesn't have friends on her islands other than her big dog. But it all made sense, it all started feeling _right_ , like when people remind you of stuff you did when you were little and it sort of comes back. And when I started thinking about it my dreams got weird. I saw this glowing gold world and I flew and met these people who were literally white-not white like you, but like paper- and everything just meshed with her stories. And then I started seeing these things she hadn't told me yet."

_God,_ I thought, _this guy's crazy._

"I'll keep it in mind." I said, standing and rolling my eyes.

"Wait!"

I still don't know why I did. Maybe on some level I wanted to believe, maybe that way I wouldn't have to be so scared I'd catch him staring through my bedroom window at three in the morning.

"Alternia. Lusus. Red blood. Troll. Knight of Blood. Wrigger." He paused for a moment, biting his lower lip. But then he smiled weakly. "Moirails?"

I nodded, like I'd understood some deep secret, and then I left. I didn't think anything of it, other than immediately wanting to punch myself in the face for actually listening to the shit-brained moron.

Then, that night, I dreamt. Dreams were rare for me growing up. When they did happen they were always weird and none too pleasant. All the colors were weird and there was a strange white crab monster in my house and I was always so scared and angry. But at the same time, it always felt so right when I was having them, like it was an old way of life I was supposed to be used to.

But that time was different. Instead of waking up in a weird slime bath thing in the weird house I'd gotten used to I woke up in a new world. It was golden and beautiful beyond belief, even though the way it shone hurt my eyes. I covered it with a gray, clawed hand, the kind I always had in my dreams.

_Why the fuck wouldn't you have them? You're a fucking troll!_

Wait, what?

But before I had time to freak out over the revelation I was distracted. Prospit- _where were these words coming from?_ – was calling and I listened. I flew out of my window and landed among the people, going about their cheerful, simple lives. Not knowing about the Reckoning.

_The what?_

_The war, the meteors that will be coming, that will eventually destroy your home and all you held dear. Well, except your computer. You do that yourself._

I shook away the thoughts and walked along the golden streets. Everyone was happy to see me, calling me 'Sir Knight' and smiling just because I was there. It was so different from my normal life, even further from the dreams I normally had. One little guy gave me a piece of fruit and when I bit into it it was sweet and juicy and flawless. I couldn't help but break out into a smile. The little shits were fucking infectious.

_God,_ I thought, _I don't ever want to leave._

_Well that's too damn bad._

That golden world faded away, replaced by a giant checkerboard field, covered in black and white people, cut up and torn apart.

_You don't get to spend much time on Prospit. A nook stain like you getting to stay there, ha! Besides, this is all your fault, you know._

_I did this?_

_Yeah. You fucked up that bad. It's pretty impressive even for us._

_Who are you? What's going on?_

_I'm you, dumbass. Future me is worse than a wriggler._

_Is that… like a baby?_

_Fuck you're useless. You know what? It isn't worth my fucking breath to explain this shit. Just fuck off and wake up._

I did.

The good news is that it was three in the morning so I had time for a proper freakout. Where had that come from? What had that creep done to me? Why did it fit so well with everything Egbert said and everything I'd ever dreamt? My heart raced in my chest and I touched my hair. God, it looked pitch black and felt more wiry than normal. What if I was still a monster?

I ran to the bathroom and flicked on the light. My skin was pale, my eyes were brown with white around them, and there were no horns sticking out from my messy reddish brown hair. I watched my reaction trace each of those traits, my hands confirming what my eyes were telling me. I let out a shaky sigh and sat down on the toilet.

Of course I was human. Egbert had just planted ideas in my head was all. He was psyching me out. The bastard.

I went back to bed. I had an eight am the next day and no nutcases were gonna make me fall asleep in my programming class. I'd worked hard to finally cram that baby in.

But, of course, that asshole was in the programming class with me too. Just like always, he smiled that dumb grin of his and waved like we were chums or something. Luckily, Sollux was taking it too (which was dumb. He was a master coder, so why he was being forced into the beginner class was a mystery to me) so I just sat next to him instead. Like always. You'd think that little shit would get the hint, but he didn't.

"You know, KK, I've been meaning to ask: who _is_ that?"

"Don't. Just fucking don't."

He gave me a look, but didn't say anything. Egbert tried to interrupt me again, but as soon as he stood I started pretending to have a deep and important conversation with Sollux. It went well until I mentioned my friend's name.

"Sollux?" He asked, pushing next to us. "You're here too? God, I thought only Karkat- that's awesome! I can't believe you've been here all along and I just haven't noticed! What about the other trolls? Gamzee, Vriska, Terezi, Kanaya? Any of them?"

Sollux looked scared. It was weirding me out too. He couldn't have just guessed all of those names. So either he was a stalker or he was telling the truth. And for some reason I was starting to lean towards the latter, which scared me more than the former. But I somehow managed to play it cool.

"Jesus fuck, Egbert! Can't you get a hint? Leave me the fuck alone!"

Well, okay, cool is a relative term. But I didn't freak out enough to punch him in the face or scream and run away or anything, so I considered it pretty good.

Sollux and I met up again later that day in front of the central library on campus for lunch. He looked genuinely worried, which is an expression I rarely saw on the guy.

"KK, you should call the cops."

I shrugged.

"Really, though. It's creepy and not right."

"But if I do that he wins. And we don't have enough evidence for me to even get a restraining order. Even though I really fucking want one."

"But Karkat…"

"Look, I'm keeping an eye out for anything weird- or at least like illegally weird. But until I get proof…"

"I don't want you to need proof. Just stay away from him."

"It's hard. He's in half of my classes."

"What? Then he definitely is stalking you."

"I know, but," I bit my lip, "I had a dream last night."

"So? It's not exactly normal for you, but-"

"No, Soll, you don't get it. It matched what he said and I just knew all this stuff I shouldn't have known and I- I don't know. There's something beyond normal creepy going on here."

"He's psyching you out. Of course you took what the asshole said and added it to your dream."

"But the things I knew-"

"Were made up too. You're always sure of things in dreams. You don't question the weird stuff that's going on. Karkat, listen, he is just messing with you."

I sighed. "I know you're probably right, but-"

"I _am_ right. Karkat, don't make Kanaya worry."

"Of course you pulled that card, getting the group mom involved."

"I do what I have to. This is serious. And creepy. Karkat, this is how horror movies start."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"It fucking _isn't._ Movies are my thing, shithead. Remember?"

"Fine. Just. Don't get fucked up."

I smiled at him. "Okay, I won't."

Of course, I didn't say anything about not talking to Egbert, which was good because I had questions for him. I ignored him until the end of history when everyone but the two of us had cleared out. This time I came up to _him._

"That gold planet, what's it called?"

"Prospit."

Goddammit. "I dreamed about it last night. What did I look like?"

"I'm guessing that means you look like a troll when you sleep? If yes, you had gray skin, yellow eyes, and little nubby horns that look like candy corn. Um, I guess you were probably wearing Prospit pajamas? So that would be something gold with the sun on it. I don't know exactly what yours looked like, though, because in the game you didn't tell me beyond that you were a Prospit dreamer too."

"John Egbert, who the fuck _are_ you?"

He smiled. "I told you. I'm your friend. From a long time ago, another lifetime."

"That makes no sense. This is the only life I've ever had."

"Karkat, that is total bunk. You had one before this and we were friends. You probably had more before that too. But you definitely have at least had two!"

"Then why don't I remember it?"

He laughed. "Nobody does! Not at first, anyway. I had to spend a lot of time meditating to figure out my deal and I stayed the same species for the last three."

"You don't think I'm dumb enough to believe that, do you?"

"It's not dumb. That's just how it is. I remember a lot of things now. Jade helped. She made the connection. We talked and compared dreams, compared these things that our dreams were trying to tell us. And we figured it out. We think we have most of it now."

"Tell me."

"What?"

"Your- our story. If you want me to believe it you'd better fucking have one."

"I-I do, but-"

"But what?"

"Karkat, I have German right now. I have to go."

"Fine. But wait." I grabbed him by the back of his hoodie. "My last class gets out at four. What time are you done?"

"Three-thirty."

"Meet me outside Johnson hall. And Egbert?"

"Yes, Karkat?"

"This story of yours had better be really fucking good."

He smiled his ridiculous buck-toothed smile. "Don't worry Karkat. It is."

And, god fucking dammit, it fucking was. It started slow, and it was all about him and three other kids I've never met, but eventually it got more exciting. But it was way too crazy to be true. Hell, it was almost all the way too crazy to be a lie. Not quite, though. So I could leave with my head high, assured that he was just a batshit stalker. The little voices in my head whispering of a crab-guardian, constant fear of drones, and pure loathing for every drop of red blood in my veins could just shut the fuck up.


	2. I hate magic and memories

I was on that stupid moon again in my stupid gray skin, with the stupid claws and the stupid horns and the stupid, stupid, _stupid_ red blood. Then off in the distance I saw a girl. I'd seen the chess people and some of my friends as trolls, but never another human (I didn't care what I looked like. I was still human. You can call me trans-species or whatever, I'm sure Kankri would get a fucking kick out of it). I flew closer to her. She was beautiful with her flawless dark skin and long black hair, but her eyes drew me in.

No, that's not poetic language. I looked at her and they literally fucking sucked me in. I landed hard on an invisible surface somewhere in space.

"Fuck me."

She faded into view, still flying in front of me. "Sorry, Karkat! That was the only way to bring you here so we could talk! Otherwise I had the feeling you'd run away because you keep freaking out at John and not wanting to remember. You should probably work on that. Running's not like you at all!"

"Where, for fuck's sake, is here? And what the fuck did you do to physics?"

"You're in my mind now, in my dream. We're lucky I was taking a nap in the middle of the day!"

"Yeah, sure, lucky. Who are you anyway?"

"My name is Jade. John told me you were being kind of stubborn, so I was looking for you. Waiting for you to fall asleep."

"Couldn't you just talk to me on pesterchum or something? John keeps bugging me, so I know you'd be able to get my handle. You didn't fucking have to go all space-eyes on me and can you just put your goddamn feet on the goddamn floor? This place is giving me a headache as it is without your bouncing floaty shit."

She giggled. Bitch. "Sorry." But she did land. That didn't stop her from still being a bitch, though. At least from my point of view. "I didn't think of the pesterchum idea, but I like to talk to people face to face anyway!"

"Fucking- fine! So why are we here again?"

"Because I want to tell you to stop looking into this."

I blinked at her. "That… is the exact opposite of what I thought you'd say. Didn't you just say you wanted me to stop running away? Do you want me to be brave or not?"

"I do but- I really mean it Karkat. It's okay if John knows, if he remembers everything. But you can't. And you especially can't talk to your friends about this. If you all start to remember… I think even if five of you start to remember... Well, I just feel like bad stuff will start to happen!"

"So Eg-turd can know but I can't? That's bullshit!"

"Karkat, it's for your own good. I'll be telling John this too. But you had to be first. You have to not think about this. Just do school stuff. You can even be friends with John. But you cannot remember everything. You just can't."

"Well, you know what I have to say to that?"

"What?"

"Fuck you! I do what I want. And what I want to do right now is leave and there's nothing a nook-nuzzler like you can do to stop me."

"Karkat! No, oh please oh please no!"

But I didn't have time to listen, because before the last no was even all the way out I was staring up at my ceiling back in my room.

I saw Egbert the next morning bright and early in history of film. He was sitting there, doodling intensely. I stomped up to his desk and dropped my things loudly on the one next to him. He looked up and smiled at me.

"Hey, Karkat! How are you today?"

"What does Jade look like?"

"Huh?"

"Your cousin. What does she look like?"

"Um, kind of like me if I was a girl, but her face is kind of rounder and her hair is really long but sticks up a little on the top. Oh, and she's got these really, really green eyes."

I took a deep breath and placed my hands over my eyes. "Fuuuuuuuck."

"What is it?"

"She got in my head last night. Did some of her witch of space stuff and then yelled at me."

"For what?"

"Wondering if your stupid story is real or not."

"Why?"

"Who knows?" I rolled my eyes. "The bulge-muncher didn't tell me."

"The what?"

"Bitch."

"That's not what you said." He stood up and hugged me. "You're starting to remember, Karkat, you're really starting to-"

"Get the fuck off of me!" I wedged my hands between the two of us and shoved him away. "Dammit, John, I can't be who you think I am!"

"And now you called me John!"

I clenched my jaw. "It's because I'm too pissed off to speak straight. You and your dimension-hopping cousin-sister-whatever can both go fuck yourselves!"

I picked up my bag and stalked to the other side of the room. I tried not to look at the asshole. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction, but I kept looking out of the corner of my eye. It was hard to tell if he was happy or sad. The smile was still on his face and hinted at in his eyes, but there was something sad about it too, mixed with the kind of fondness you'd show a guardian or friend you never got to see.

It made me feel all weird, tugging at my heart and my memories. Why did both of us have to have such stupid human emotions? I never had those kinds of feelings as a troll. In my dreams. Only in the dreams. If it had been real, it would have gotten complicated and confusing in a whole different kind of way. That quadrant shit makes no sense.

But there was no way it was real. And just to prove it, I was going to talk to all of my friends. I'd tell them everything. And there was nothing John- Egbert and Jade could do to stop me.

(Besides, if it was true, I had to know. I needed more than glimpses of the man- the troll I'd been.)

My chance would come the next day. Thursdays were special for my friends and me. We weren't sure why but we'd always go to one of our houses and just be there, sitting together and holding each other. Since elementary school when we first met it had been a tradition. I wish I'd thought to question it before. To ask why we'd all gathered like that when sometimes we could barely stand each other.

But I needed time to plan, to think about how I was going to pitch this idea, the big-ass story. I didn't want them to think I was crazy. I wanted them to believe me, to remember what was starting to seep back into my head, or else to completely and totally crush me so that I didn't have a fucking ounce of gray matter entertaining the idea of another life. John's story was pretty good, but I wanted it to be from my perspective. If I wanted to convince those hardass friends of mine I needed to be genuine. There was only one piece I was missing. They'd want to know how we ended up here. Especially the ones that had died.

Like I said earlier, I'm not superstitious. I don't like having faith in things I can't see and touch for myself. That shit's for slimy pink babies. But old habits die hard, and Kankri had given me a little token when I was still that little. He was an old stuffed lobster. He had no name, no illusion of sentience, but he was still comforting. When I was little I'd have night terrors all the time. I'd wake up screaming and flailing and afraid of metal men coming from the sky to cull me. So Kankri gave me this lobster and he'd been my charm. In my dreams I'd made him big and white and he protected me, even if he was kind of scary too.

As years went by I learned about lusii through my dreams and even awake I started to think of him like that: my guardian for when I slept. As I turned him over in my hands that night I wondered if Kankri had a similar guardian when he was a troll, if he just sensed the connection to lobsters, or if it was a coincidence. That night I didn't want to think that I made my lusus to match the stuffed animal, but I really didn't know.

"There's one thing missing," I whispered to him. "I don't know how we got here. My guardian- my Lusus- please show me." I kissed him between his tiny plastic eyes and curled around him.

I tried too hard to sleep and to dream. I stayed up half of the night, staring at the ceiling, hoping to pass out. The clock ticked past midnight, one, two, three-

Four loud rings reverberated through what was left of time and space. We- the survivors stood over Lord English's dead body. All of us were drenched in his red, red blood. I saw the time and space players trying desperately to close the tears. But there was nothing to do. We'd beat him, but broken the game in the process. The rifts in reality were too big and only getting bigger. The rest of us held each other tightly, shivering on our shrinking piece of ground. We knew there was nothing that could be done.

Then there was this big white house shape- four quadrants with a roof on it- flying right towards us. John was next to me and we squeezed each other the tightest. But he suddenly laughed.

"Guys," he said, "I think we're gonna be okay."

" _That's it. The fucker's finally lost his last ounce of sanity."_

The house hit us.

_"I'm not crazy, Karkat. This already happened to me once."_

That was the last coherent thought I heard before my body was taken apart atom by atom. It didn't hurt, per se. It was just weird. Bits of me were sucked away, becoming not-me. Then I was everyone and everything. Going over the memory again and again I don't know if I can put it into words. It wasn't like I could hear everyone's thoughts, or suddenly knew what it was like to be a tree or anything. There was just peace, comfort.

The closest thing I can think of to it is when you're swimming in the ocean or a big enough lake and you're just letting the waves gently rock you. You close your eyes and then there's just the coolness and the motion and the bubbling noise of live water. And then you just don't think. But here there wasn't even the separation between the water and sky, there was no air to breathe in and no lungs to put them into. Everything was just part of one big wide, white hum.

Then after an eternity or a second – when space-time has reached absolute singularity you can't tell the difference – it faded to darkness. Slowly I felt warmth creeping in, a new space growing ever tighter around a new body. As I realized I was being pulled from all of that I felt so, so sad. I wanted to reach out, to find everyone and bring them back to me. I wanted to cry, but couldn't.

One day I felt pain again on top of the separation. Then I lost the warmth and wet too, and I was cold and dry and something rough was rubbing my skin. I took a first breath of air, but by the time I started screaming I forgot why I was so miserable.

I let myself wake up then. I knew the story well enough from there, and I knew the angle I wanted to use to shoot my prologue for my friends.

I had to wait until we were well into our cuddle session. I was pretty sure that they knew something was wrong, but if I'd started earlier they would probably laugh at me or brush me off.

"Do you ever think about the afterlife?" I asked softly.

"I think we all do, brother," Gamzee said softly. "It's normal to think about what's going to happen after all this. Why d'ya ask?"

"That's not what I meant. What if _this_ is the afterlife? What if we were somewhere else first?"

"Like everyone being in purgatory?"

"No."

They were all listening closely then, even if they weren't all turned towards me. Having eleven people you really fucking care about listen when you were going to do something so fucking stupid that you're better off shoving your face on a barbeque is bad, real bad. I wanted to freeze, hide so that I could still be the same Karkat to them when all of this was over. But then my damn motor mouth acted up.

"Like, and this is totally just hypothetical here, what if we used to not be human? What if we were these grey creatures with fangs and horns who lived on a planet called Alternia and were sorted into rank by blood color and wore shirts with our astrological symbols on them in our blood color and our parents were all out conquering the universe so we were raised by these white monsters called Lusii and then one day this game called Sgrub came out and we all played it, but it wasn't just a normal video game and it altered reality and our universe was destroyed so through the game we made a new one but I gave it cancer, and even though we won we didn't get our reward because the people in the next universe created a scratch and then we all spent three years passing through dreams and meeting dead people to get to another universe so we could fix everything and then kill some monsters and then break the game and then have a singularity and then wind up here."

"That-" Terezi said, "That's pretty specific for a hypothetical."

Kanaya was pretty far away from me in the pile, but she reached out to me. She lifted one of her soft, slender hands and placed it on my cheek.

"You have the dreams too."

I nodded.

"Do you mean-?" Terezi asked.

"They do," Aradia said.

I looked around and saw the expressions on their faces: the knowledge, the understanding. I closed my eyes and sank back into Terezi and Gamzee, taking their hands in mine. A tear or two leaked out of my eyes as I sat with my family of two lifetimes.

Then I heard a crack.


	3. Let's just Make Shit Up as We Go Along

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After today the fandom needs a bit of fluff, I think.

I opened my eyes and saw lines of white, long and pronged across space in front of me. Another one happened to my left, I turned and saw another, this time breaking across some of my friends' faces. They were all panicked too, but we didn't move. We just clung to each other as the cracks came faster and faster, breaking off pieces now. On the walls they revealed bright red surfaces oozing slime. My friends' skin peeled away to gray, their hair turned black, their eyes went yellow. As the visuals changed I felt us all changing with it.

Then we were trolls sitting in a hive on Alternia. We looked at each other, unsure of what to do. We knew what we were _supposed_ to do: freak out because of the contact and either fight or run. But we didn't. We just sort of detangled and stared some more.

"How did we get back here?" I finally asked.

"How would I know?" Sollux asked.

"I don't know it's as simple as 'back.'" Tavros said. "Look." He gestured to his legs, whole and functional.

I turned around and ran outside. The layout was the exact same as it had been on earth. Everyone was where they were supposed to be. Adult trolls walked the streets with their freshly pupated young, regarding them fondly.

Something was deeply wrong. Suddenly I thought of what I'd learned in the dream bubbles. There was but one moon in the sky. All the colors were right, even more vivid than in my memories and dreams, but I had no way to tell: was this Alternia? Beforus? Some bastard child of both?

Sollux came up behind me. "Karkat, what's wro- oh."

"Yeah."

"We're still not home."

"We're not."

"What do we do?"

"Why the fuck are you asking me?"

"You're our leader, remember?" He looked so desperate, like a wriggler whose lusus had been gone for days.

I let out a dry laugh. "Yeah, sure. And what a fucking leader I was!"

"Can we not go into your dumb self-pity party right now?" Vriska sneered from the door. "We have bigger water-beasts to gut."

"Like what?"

"It's getting late. The sun was going down on earth right before we left, so that means that unless we all want to end up like Terezi we'd better go back to our own hives. If we still have guardians they'll want to know what's wrong."

"You know," Sollux mumbled, "I think they already do."

Still, though, our more murderous natures could have revealed themselves again at any time, so we all went back to our respective hives. I shouldn't have been surprised to see Kankri standing in the kitchen, but he was right there, a perfectly healthy adult troll. For the first time I'd seen his eyes were yellow and bright with deep crimson irises.

"Is this my planet or yours?" He asked.

"I don't know."

"It doesn't feel quite right."

"No, no it doesn't."

I sighed and sat down at the table. "Was it a shock for you when you started to remember?"

He smiled. "No. Remember, I'm the Seer of Blood, Karkat. I always knew."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because," He sat down next to me, "I liked it there. I felt like it was right in a way Beforus and Alternia never did."

"Yeah."

We were silent for some time. It probably should have scared me that either of us were able to keep our food-tubes shut for that long, but I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. From the look on his face, neither could he.

"Do you think they'll cull us?" He finally asked.

"I don't know. I made it for six and a half sweeps even with the tighter regulations. But neither of us has a matesprit or kismesis and we're both completely sexually mature. But maybe they don't collect it like that anymore? I mean, trolls are walking around with young ones out there."

"Maybe for once we should just go with it. At least until we can figure out what's going on."

"Right." I waited for him to say something, but chatterbox just kept staring at me. This was so awkward. Of course, why would I expect him to have the answers in the first place? This wasn't earth. I stood back up. "Well, in that case I'm going to sleep. Goodnight."

"Morning."

"Whatever."

I trudged upstairs. My room was more like my Earth one than my Alternian one and I smiled at that. Really, the only difference was a change in color scheme and my bed being replaced with a recuperacoon. I tugged my clothes off, hoping that if I slept this would all go back to normal faster. But then before I had the chance to get in and let the drug seep into my skin my computer started going off. And of course it was John fucking Egbert.

EB: karkat?

EB: karkat are you there?

EB: my god, i'm so sorry

CG: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO FUCKED THIS ALL UP?!

EB: i guess? jade told me that you guys weren't supposed to remember. i just- i didn't know.

CG: OF COURSE IT CAN'T BE MALICIOUS FROM A NOOK-NIBBLER LIKE YOU. GOD, YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP JUST BY TOUCHING IT. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF?

EB: …

EB: …

EB: is that old karkat or new karkat saying that?

CG: THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? IF YOU MEAN PAST KARKAT, THAT FUCKER IS A GODDAMN WRIGGLER THAT COULDN'T TELL A HORN BEAST FROM HIS ASS AND DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.

EB: it sure sounds like the old you, the one who was always hiding what he was feeling. new you was a little more upfront.

EB: so i'm sorry, karkat. im sorry you're scared and confused. but we'll figure it out. we figured out sburb, after all.

CG: THE FUCK ARE YOU BLABBERING ON ABOUT, EGBERT? I AM 100% HONEST IN MY LOATHING. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

EB: okay, sure. just please come to class tomorrow.

CG: YOU WERE NOT LISTENING TO ME! I TOLD YOU THAT I HAVE NO ITENTION OF SEEING YOU EVER AGAIN. LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU

CG: FUCK

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG: …well fuck me.

And then double fuck me, because I did trudge up to class the next day, mostly because of Kankri's bitching. It all seemed painfully normal. There were obviously the same kids in the same spots, with more or less the same school supplies. There was one troll already sitting in the back corner that I usually claimed, and I supposed that "fuck off" was not a phrase in John Egbert's miniscule vocabulary.

I trudged up to him to chew him out, but then he looked at me and smiled and _god_ he made an attractive troll. He had long wavy horns, almost like Eridan's but longer and curved up at the end. His buck teeth had been replaced with extra-long and sharp looking fangs. I could tell from the slight flush of his skin and glints of color in his eyes that he was a blue blood. His face had stayed mostly the same, just getting a little sharper and longer, but something about the bluish gray skin fit it so fucking well. Just about any troll would kill their own lusus to have a matesprit or a kismesis like that. Why he didn't have a crowd of adoring fans was an enigma to me. I responded in the only rational matter.

"Fucking, gog, Egbert! Why can't you get the fucking message? I told you I don't want to see your ugly grub-licking face again!"

He looked so happy that for a second I thought he was going to burst into tears in front of the whole class. "I'm happy to see you too, Karkat. God, you look just like I remember!"

He stood and embraced me. I froze for a moment, feeling his tall bony frame wrap around me. He was just so warm and I felt so safe tucked under his chin. I wanted to just give in, lean my head against his chest and listen to the triple-beat of his one-hundred-percent troll blood pusher.

But I couldn't have that, so instead I punched him as hard as I could given my position. There were a few gasps. After all, I'd be taken for a rustblood, and for the lowest of lowbloods to strike a blueblood was unheard of. I opened my mouth the shout at all of them, although I wasn't sure what about. Then john placed a hand on my cheek and made gentle noises. That motherfucker was trying to shooshpap me! But it felt… nice. Everyone went back to what they were doing, and I realized that if they thought we were vacillating it would be okay. Rare, but okay. And then no one would call the droids. No one would see the real color of my blood. I wouldn't be culled. Jesus, fuck, I had almost signed my own fucking death warrant!

The only question was if it would be okay with me too. Hands shaking, I tried wrapping my arms around him. I felt him smile into my shoulder and hold me a little tighter.

"Woah, what am I missing here?"

I stiffened at hearing Sollux's voice and we broke apart.

"This dumbass started a fight so I had to cover."

John laughed. "Okay, let's go with that."

"John? Is that you?"

"Hi, Sollux!" He waved excitedly.

Sollux turned to me, "He doesn't make a good troll, does he?"

"Human to the core," I said.

"Hey! I'll let you know I had two troll girls trying to flush with me!"

Sollux choked.

"You goddamn grub! If you don't even know you're not supposed to use the word like that you need to go back to the fucking brooding caverns!"

"What'd I say?"

"Never mind!"

"Karkat!"

"Never fucking mind!"

He was going to open his mouth to say something stupid again, but then the professor walked in and kept me from tearing him a new one.

I spent the rest of the class brooding, wondering how the fuck I'd gotten into this mess, pity and hatred mixing into one confusing slurry both towards John and myself. Now that all of my memories were back and coming into play I had no idea what to think anymore. I remembered all the failures, all the diligence, the camaraderie, the betrayal, and above all else I remembered the light and optimism that had been John Egbert. I remembered vacillating for real, from kismisitude to friendship to matespritship to moiraility and beating myself up for wanting someone in all the quadrants _again._ I'd done awful things and wonderful things for him and to him and through it all he stayed there, smiling patiently and having that bizarre assurance that everything would just be okay.

When the lecture was over, Sollux stood. I saw him eyeing my screen, noticing that I hadn't typed a single word the whole time.

"I have another class now, KK. You do what you need to do."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!"

I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me, though it's hard to tell behind those glasses of his.

Everyone filed out of the hall except for me and Egbert. I hoped that if I took long enough packing my things back up he'd have to leave, but there he was with that goddamn patient smile.

"Why the fuck are you still here, piss-puker?"

"Because I've missed you. I really have. And it hit me full force now that you're back to the way you were and I- I wanted to hang out with you."

"Why the hell would you want to do that?"

"We were moirails, remember? And now that I really, really get what that means, I thought we could start back up again?"

"John, that was a long time ago."

"Are you back to having that thing with Gamzee? Because if you are I can respect that."

"No, it's nothing like that. He was my best friend, but you know humans don't have the same sort of- why are we having this conversation?"

"Because you want to. You're scared, but it's okay."

He hugged me again and this time I let him. I'd forgotten just how small I was, but it was easy for him to wrap his arms around me and tuck me under his chin. He tipped his head down to nuzzle my hair and the bases of my horns. I grabbed the back of his shirt as I took deep breaths of his scent. It was still so warm and safe, even sweeter without the musk of adolescent human. "You know," He said, "You're not _quite_ the same. Your eyes are redder. And you're taller."

"It's called growing up, asshat," I told the wind symbol on his chest.

He laughed. Though I'd never say it out loud, I had to admit that I'd missed him too.


	4. John is a Shitty Troll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd post this update a little bit early because it's johnkat day~ I'll be posting one this weekend again too.

It was almost too easy to readjust to life as a troll. It wasn't as different from being a human as it had been the last time, though none of us had any idea as to why. Trolls were more aggressive than Kankri remembered, but less volatile than I'd ever known. It was easy to get complacent. The first few days we worked hard to discover the source of our species swap. It didn't take a troll Einstein to realize that it had to do with us remembering our pasts, but no one: not the twelve of us, or our guardians, or the four humans, or their remaining guardians made any sort of progress figuring out the actual mechanics of the universe and species switch.

As days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into perigrees, we started to give up. Life started taking up too much of our time, and it was so much easier just to become like normal trolls. Having lived my previous life almost completely in solitude (John liked to call me a hermit crab, but fuck that guy) it was harder for me than any of the others, which only added to the stress and drama that naturally came with college, like people being weirded out by the "exotic" and "bizarre" words I'd picked up over nineteen years of being human. So, of course, John took it upon himself to rush to my aid. Normally that came in the form of pestering me online or sitting near me whenever he was around, but then one day he got brave.

"Hey, gato del coche, wanna hang out after class today?"

"Do you wanna stop making up nicknames that make no fucking sense?"

He just laughed at me.

I sighed. "It's not like you're gonna give me a choice, are you?"

"Nope!"

"Fucking- fine. I just want to know that what you've been doing can, by any and all trolls with more than two cells in their think pan, be considered harassment."

"I love you too, baby."

"I'll meet you in the union at four, okay?"

He grinned widely, "That sounds awesome."

I scoffed to cover the way the expression was making me feel all warm and bubbly inside and turned back to my book.

And then, fuck me, I biked from my last class to the union as quickly as I could, even though it was only three thirty. And, of course, John was already there so he noticed how out of breath and sweaty I was. And then he had the gall to laugh, so I punched him on the shoulder, which only made the grub sniffer laugh harder.

"I hate you. So much."

"Yeah right." He stopped laughing but looked like it was going to burst out again at any second. "Anyway, you ready to go?"

"Go where? Just reminding you that neither of us have money."

He blushed, "Oh, well, I was thinking that maybe we could… go to my place?"

"Your house?" Fuck, now I was blushing.

"Well, it's an apartment. Pretty small, but it's just mine. I thought maybe we could watch some movies or something? I have a projector and a big white wall in the main room, so it would be pretty comfortable and-"

"Hey, John?"

"Yeah?"

"You know trolls don't just invite others into their hives, right?"

"I know. But, I mean, we're more than half way through the semester, and I know you pretty well and I guess- maybe this could be a friend date?"

"Are you asking me to be your moirail again?"

"Um, maybe? I mean, if you're okay with it, which I really hope you are. I mean, last time it was a lot of fun and stuff, but I don't know how much has changed because you still seem like you and-"

"John, you're word vomiting. A lot."

"Yeah sorry. I just-"

"Shoosh." I gently reached up and placed a hand on his head. "Your think pan is already empty except for the shit movies you fill it with, and when you speak it's like a tidal wave of shit coming out of your food hole. Shut up."

He looked confused, understanding the touch to mean one thing and the words another.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I'll come."

"Sweet! Come on!" He tugged me outside and towards the parking lot.

"Jesus, fuck, is that your car?"

"Yep. Her name is Sarah."

"I am going to die. You are going to fucking kill me, Egderp."

Because, honestly, John has a thing for cars that are absolute pieces of shit. This one was a normal red once upon a time, but now it looked to be half-rust. One of the doors was bashed in and "lovingly" fixed with duct tape. the rear window was cracked, and I recognized the model as one that had been popular in the 90s. He still walked up and kissed the side mirror anyway.

"Nah, Sarah's safe as can be."

"Sure. Is that why you got t-boned?"

"No, she was like that when I picked her up. Now come on." He unlocked the door. "You have to go in first because, obviously, that door won't open and only I get to drive Sarah."

"Okay, fine." And it was a stick shift, too. Jesus, fuck.

The engine starting sounded like claws on a writing wall and he laughed at my cringe. It got quieter, though, as he put it in gear and we got on the road. I found my eyes drawn to his hand on the shift. Without thinking, I ghosted my fingers over his.

"You know," I said softly, "You were a great moirail before. For a human. I was afraid _you'd_ changed and didn't want me."

"God, Karkat, you're dumb. I could never not want you."

We both looked away, fully well knowing the other was blushing but not wanting to admit we knew that they knew. It wasn't long until we pulled up to his building. It was about four stories tall and the walls were more ivy than brick. There was broken glass on the ground and the lot needed to be repainted. But God if John didn't look at it like he looked at his car, like he sometimes looked at me.

"Alright, let's go. I'm on the third floor."

"Sure."

He grabbed my hand and led me. This time I let him thread our fingers together. I was gonna stab whoever made them fit so perfectly with their own torn out horns, because I am far too creative to be spouting clichés like that.

In spite of what he'd said about it being "nice" his actual apartment was also a piece of crap. What I could see from the door consisted of an old battered futon, cheap computer desk, and a makeshift movie cabinet built from milk crates. The carpet was littered with crumbs and books and DVD cases and all sorts of shit. The bathroom, the door to which was open, looked like it hadn't been cleaned in far too long.. The only clean spot in the house was a TV tray with some sort of glass tank on it. It was the epitome of bachelor pad At least it didn't smell.

"Yeah, sorry, I should have cleaned," He said, moving a stack of papers that was taking up half of the sofa. "But it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing inviting you over."

I scoffed, "Hey, it's a nice change. If a molecule of dust lands on the floor, Kankri disinfects the whole house."

John laughed. "Alright, so what do you want to see?"

"I donno, pick something."

"Well I- you like rom coms, right?"

"Yes."

"Well," He pulled one DVD off the shelf, "Dave sent me this as a joke, and I was wondering if you wanted to-"

"Gimmie it." I swiped it and read it aloud. "In which a female troll and her lusus undergo a journey to find her matesprit, who has been destined to her because they were star-crossed lovers in a past life. In the meanwhile, her moirail has been hiding secret red feelings for her and must convince her to abandon her old love and mate with him instead because time is running out before the drones come. Meanwhile her kismesis sabotages her at every step of the way, wanting only to fill a pail with her but allow her to die when she cannot find a suitable matesprit. Contains 1 self-sacrifice, 24-30 lines that can be considered humorous, 3 long and steamy kiss scenes, 4 implied pailings, and 2 dramatic plot twists." I looked up at him. "John, this is the best movie of all time. You need to see this movie."

"Really? Dave said he got it from the bargain bin."

"This masterpiece of cinema didn't belong there. I have the twelve-disk special platinum edition blu-ray at my hive. But this will do." I shoved it over to him. "Play it."

He laughed, "Okay, okay."

But, because the little shit has no taste, he was bored within twenty minutes. I could tell because he'd started to fidget. I ignored him because nothing other than imminent death could distract me from the marvel of cinema that was Iwaftahluajtfhmwhbdthbtwscliaplitmhmhbhsrffhamchta holamwhibtirobtdc mhkshaesotwwotfapwhbahtdwscfasm C1s24l3k4p2dpt. I had the devotion to memorize that acronym, I would sit through John's wiggling. I ignored the old yawn-to-casually-put-your-arm-around-someone trick. I barely noticed as he somehow managed to get me onto his lab and wrap his arm around my waist.

When the movie was over I saw him turn to me. He had shed a few tears at the end too, which made me feel better about how wet my face felt. I looked at him and smiled weakly. He gently put his other hand behind my head. I closed my eyes because I knew what was coming. He leaned forward and we kissed, chastely and innocently. There wasn't a drop of red in it, just warmth and comfort and pale, pale pity.

But that wasn't what he said when he pulled away. Instead what he said was, "I love you, Karkat. You matter to me more than anything on Alternia or earth, okay? I just want you to be happy. And I need you just as much as you need me."

"I really doubt it."

"You'll see eventually." He promised me, nuzzling my shoulder.

"Alright," I said.

I think he could tell that he still didn't believe me, but he didn't challenge me again. Instead he fished his phone from his pocket. "So," He said, "What do you like on your pizza?"


	5. When in Doubt, Movie Marathon

He kept making that same promise, that he needed me too, but it was a long, long time until I saw a shade of it. But eventually he stopped being able to handle everything. Even though it felt awful to see him start to crack under the pressure, I liked to feel useful. It was like I was at least starting to repay all he did to keep my sane. One particular morning he called me just as I was about to slide into my recuperacoon.

"Ka-Karkat," sniffle, "I feel awful. I wanna," sob, "wanna kill someone or die. Karkat, I'm," another sob, "I'm really scared. Help me."

By the time the plea was out of his mouth, I was already fully dressed again and running out of my hive like a fucking tool. I started babbling reassurances, hoping beyond hope that it would be enough to keep him calm. John usually didn't do rage very well, but a blueblood was still a blueblood, and if there was one thing I wasn't a total failure at it was getting people to chill the fuck out. Kankri gave me a weird look for a moment as I rushed past, but when he heard me say John's name he just nodded and went back to working on his husktop. I took Kankri's car and broke just about every speed limit. Luckily, our car had a moirail emergency light and no one would pull over a troll on his way to solve that kind of crisis.

Luckily, John wasn't too far away. His apartment was just on the other side of the university's campus. I pulled into my normal spot and rushed into the building. The female at the front desk gave me a friendly wave as I tore through the lobby and up the stairs. The two flights to John's apartment seemed about three times as long as normal and his hallway stretched on forever. I narrated the whole way for him, reassuring him that I was coming, I'd be there soon, I promised.

His door was locked, so I had to fish around in my pocket for the spare key. He was laying on the couch in his recreation block, thrashing around and letting out a combination of sobs and growls. He tore at the upholstery with one hand while the other clutched his cell phone.

I dropped my keys and hung up my phone, approaching him visibly empty handed. At the sound his head jerked up. He growled and bared his teeth at me. And, of fucking course, his pupils were dilated and his scleras were almost red. He probably should have called me about an hour earlier, but he's stubborn as a packbeast. I hummed and let out a few chirrups, letting him know I wasn't looking to fight. I gently reached out and papped his face. He leaned into the touch, but didn't look any less like he wanted to paint the town rainbow. I lifted my other hand and stroked his hair. His growls turned into whimpers and he slowly came closer and closer until he was folded in my arms.

It was awkward to hold him like that when he was so much bigger than me, so I carefully eased him back down onto the sofa and crawled over him. I left kisses on his brow and temples, friendly touches that I knew would help calm him down.

"Thank you," He finally said when he wrestled back control of his larynx.

"I'm sure I'll need your awkward shooshpaps soon enough." I said, laying down on top of him.

"Yeah. This is like the third time this week." He lifted a hand and ran it through my hair, momentarily teasing my horns. "Maybe you should stay?"

"Well, I'm not going home right now. It's too early to tell if you're all the way calm."

"No, I don't mean just now. I meant something a little more long term."

"You- you want us to live together." I blinked down at him. If he was just fucking with my emotions for some ill-conceived prankster venture, moirail or not I was going to cull him.

"Sure!" He beamed, "Isn't that what moirails are supposed to do? I thought they were the most stable quadrant so they -"

"Right, right, but-"

"Karkitten, you sleep here half the time anyway."

I stood up. "John, I don't know. I mean, normally that involves being a little more… permanent."

He just laughed, "Come on, this has lasted over two lives already. I don't know how much permanent it gets." He pushed himself up and kissed me on the forehead. "You can sleep on it, though, if you want. My 'respiteblock' is big enough for two."

"Irony doesn't work for you, fuckass," I said.

He laughed, took my hand, and led me to his room. He still didn't like to sleep in a recuperacoon (something about the slime feeling wrong), so he'd piled up pillows to make some half-assed bed-nest-thing. He jumped in, knocking some pillows off of the pile. I covered his torso and legs in them and then crawled on top so there was a little bit of give before his sinewy, bony torso. Not that I'm any better, but still.

He giggled again and wrapped his arms and legs around me.

"Fuckin' shit, goddamn you, rust-bucket!"

"What, I'm a bad car now? You're getting uncreative…"

"You're serious? Kankri would skin me if I said that in our hive!"

He turned bright blue as he realized the cultural implications. I couldn't help but smile and run the pads of my fingers across his warm cheeks. An idea flashed across his eyes and he grinned, showing off those lovely, long fangs.

"Oh, Kar-mel, I didn't know you felt that way about me."

I grabbed his nose, pinching it a bit with my claws, "I'm not a rust-blood, bulge biter."

"I know." He brushed my hand away. "But just so you know, if you really did it would be okay."

"What? Be flushed for you?"

"Yeah. I still don't really get the quadrants thing. All I know is I want to stay with you Karkat. Forever."

Now it was my turn to blush. "D-dammit, Egbert! Don't say things like that!"

"Why not?"

"It sounds like you're trying to pale-marry me."

"Mmm, nah. We have time."

Jesus, fuck. I probably looked like Strider's fucking god tier pajamas. "Time is also not your thing."

"Would you rather be friend-dating Dave?"

"Fuck no. All I've ever felt for that asshole is pure platonic hate."

"Is that what you're calling it now? Maybe a little Ashen, then?"

"Do you _want_ me to hook up with your best friend?"

"No."

He nuzzled me again and I ran my hands down his horns. I felt him shudder and heard him purr at the touch. John goddamn Egbert was going to be the end of me. I laid my head on his chest and let his contented purring lull me to sleep.

The next morning we'd somehow gotten rid of the layer between us and we'd wound up spooning, our fingers and legs intertwined. I closed my eyes and leaned back into him. From the pattern of his breathing I was sure he was still unconscious. I liked times like that because I didn't have to worry about seeming vulnerable or lovesick.

But did vulnerability really matter? I didn't worry in the slightest about turning my back to him anymore. Had I ever, really? Well, when I saw him in real life, anyway. By then I already knew that he was too honest, too sweet to stab anyone in the back. And didn't that notion, the idea of being able to trust another person, make my head spin all over and maybe even above the quadrants.

Gog dammit. I was starting to sound like one of the really fucking shitty romcoms I hid when guests came over. I needed time to try to get my head and my heart untangled before I made an even bigger mess of things. So I did what anyone else would do: ran the fuck away.

I slid out of his grip, giving him a peck on the cheek before slipping into the other room to grab my shoes and write a note, telling him that I had to run back home, promising I'd see him on Monday in class at the latest.

I drove home slowly in hopes that Kankri would have already left for his Saturday protest by the time I got there. No luck, he was waiting for the car. He seemed to realize there was something going on, so he frowned as I stomped past him, but he wasn't dumb enough to say anything.

Clearly, the only way to deal with this was research, so I gathered all of the movies I owned that had to do with red-pale vacillation. There was a pretty impressive pile, so I won't waste time listing all of the titles (and I don't want to admit to some of the ones I owned). I don't mind admitting, though, that some tears were shed that day. Some of those movies were beautiful and flawless and could make even Vriska bawl her eyes out. In the middle of the marathon, Kankri came home. I heard the creaking of his footsteps as he climbed the stairs. He stopped in front of my door for a moment but then he turned and walked away.

After he was safely gone I peeked outside. He'd left me a pint of ice cream. He'd even remembered that cockroach carapace was my favorite. Sometime he wasn't such a bad brother. I took it inside and that helped ease the tears a little bit. I didn't want to stain anything _too_ pink.

The problem was that when all was said and done I was even _more_ confused. What was going on wasn't normal vacillation. It was something that shouldn't happen to trolls, or at least not publically. Maybe it was some sort of taboo thing that no one was supposed to mention? But, ugh, thinking was awful. I had a pounding headache, and felt like I was going to puke up all sixteen ounces of the ice cream. So of course, John came over then. I didn't notice him coming up the stairs until I heard a knock at my door. I panicked, stuffing my DVD cases under anything and everything available.

"Go away!" I shouted. And, fucking shit, I _sounded_ like I'd been crying for hours.

"Karkat? Are you crying?"

"Of course not, genius!"

"Dammit, I'm coming in."

He opened the door and saw me curled up in my chair, trying to hide my eyes and the DVDs I hadn't stashed away.

"Oh, Karkat." He was holding me again. And like an idiot I kept crying. "I'm sorry. Even when I wasn't freaking out I was so wrapped up in my own self-pity that I- Oh, Karkat."

"Don't leave me," I sobbed like an empty-thinkpanned wriggler, because of course that was what was going to happen in the one I was currently watching.

"I'm sorry," He whispered, "I'm so, so, so sorry."

"Wait, what are _you_ sorry for?"

"I haven't been a good moirail, have I?"

"John, you're fine. I'm just…" I held up the movies. Of course, I was holding the two most embarrassing ones.

"Oh. Well. This is awkward."

"Yeah." I quickly threw the boxes before he had time to read the titles.

We stared at each other for a moment. He was definitely taking in how fucking messed up I looked. My eyes were probably bloodshot enough to look orange and tears and snot were dripping down my face. Quickly I grabbed a spare shirt and wiped my face off, but I knew it was still covered in pink.

"So," I said to change the subject, "Self-pity?"

He sighed. "Karkat, I'm not meant to be a troll. I mean, I'm glad to be here with you, but I- it doesn't feel right. I want to go home. I miss earth."

"Oh." Of _course_ Alternia was going to drive him crazy eventually. This wasn't even close to his world, to his life. Then maybe I channeled his stupid selflessness or something because I said, "John, I promise you we'll get you home."

God, what the fuck was I saying? Did my Lusus carry me by my horns as a grub? I wasn't the hero. I wasn't brave, wasn't a real leader. But he looked at me and smiled so brightly, so excitedly.

"Really?"

"Of course. If anyone can it's us. We beat that fucking farce of a game, didn't we?"

"Yeah." He hugged me tightly. "You have no idea how much that means to me."

I didn't say anything because I really didn't.


	6. I Am also a Shitty Troll

I'd promised John we'd try to figure out how to get him home, so we did. But then "we" turned out just to be me, Kanaya, and Sollux with a little online help from the other ex-humans. None of the others were interested in helping. I couldn't blame them. What did they have to gain? This was where they belonged and they were happy. I knew Kanaya was in because she hoped she could give Rose her world back and Sollux was only in it for the challenge and because he was a freak of nature with no social life and nothing better to do.

Sometimes I wondered why _I_ was helping. This was worse than cutting off my arm and fucking throwing it at Vriska's Lusus! I was putting in all that effort, all that energy so that my moirail, the only quadrant I managed to fill, could leave me for a race of squishy pink-faced wrigglers. And this wasn't just any moirail, it was John and I _still_ hadn't figured out where I wanted him. Symbolically, of course. Physically I just wanted him next to me, even if he was cold and bony.

During the nights I'd be tempted. Sometimes even when he was snuggling up next to me I'd think about sabotaging the project because I wanted him to stay. But then I always felt so guilty, like it was a crime to have fleeting selfish thoughts, like I was the first troll in the history of history to want to take advantage of his moirail.

But it still made me feel so terrible I'd work twice as hard the next day. John never seemed to notice, but it was always hard to tell. He'd smile through anything and act like he didn't know what was going on. Maybe it was easier like that, to pretend that you didn't notice all the bad things that were happening, all the tragedy and pain that filled every world in all of every reality. Sometimes his façade was infective and I'd be able to block that misery from my mind for a little while. Sometimes I just wished I could believe.

"There's nothing we can do," Sollux finally said one day, slumping down in his chair.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"We're no closer to understanding the cosmic event that brought us back or reversing it than when we started. There are no traces that I can find anywhere on this god forsaken planet."

"You're sure?"

"Positive. Karkat, this isn't a game anymore. We don't know if there's even a way to win."

"We didn't then either. Do you know what this will do to John?"

"It'll break him," Sollux replied.

"Don't you even care?"

"I do pity him a bit," he admitted, "But that's what moirails are for. They pick up the shattered pieces and put you back together."

I swallowed, "I'm going to have to tell him, aren't I?"

"It'd be best if you do."

"Of course."

I sighed and grabbed my coat. "He's at the apartment. I guess I'd better go."

"Yeah you'd better. Hey Karkat?"

I stopped and looked over my shoulder. "Yeah?"

"Good luck."

"Thanks." And with that I left him and wandered off towards John's building.

I ran through dozens of scenarios in my head, trying to think of how I would phrase it. How the fucking hell are you supposed to tell the most important person in any of your lives that he can't go home, that he's stuck in a body that's not supposed to be his for the rest of his life? Oh, and by the way, that you're gonna be dying sweeps and sweeps before he does because of your respective locations on the hemospectrum and will be leaving him alone on an alien world?

When I finally got back, John was hard at work on dinner. He was humming some old Earth song and looking completely content with the order of the universe. When he heard me come in he turned and smiled brightly. He might as well have launched a spear through my chest cavity.

"John, I- I have something to tell you."

"Yeah, beep-beep meow?"

I opened my mouth but, he just looked so fucking happy. I couldn't do it. I couldn't break him and I didn't think I'd ever be able to. So I swallowed and forced a smile. "I decided it's time I officially move in."

"Really?" He let go of the spoon he was holding and ran over to hold me, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "Oh, this is so cool! Life-long sleepover with my best bro!"

"Yeah. Well, I mean, I figured I sleep here more than at Kankri's place anyway, and it'll help me ignore the fucking embarrassment that is him trying to interact with Latula."

John laughed, "So true. Did you bring a bag or anything?"

"No. I figured I've left enough of my shit here anyway."

"Probably. You know, it's about time. Everyone keeps asking me when to expect a wedding and hordes of Egbert-Vantas wrigglers," he teased.

I scoffed, "Maybe if we ever pay off our shit-sucking loans."

"Amen, dude."

With that he went back to cooking and humming his little song. It was a good thing that he did because I couldn't hold my expression for any longer.

"Anyway, I have to take a shit."

"I really needed to know that," John said sarcastically, but he didn't look up.

I went and locked myself in the bathroom, partially because that's where I said I would be, but it was mostly because that was just about the only place that he couldn't walk in on me. I sat in the tub and pulled my knees to my chest.

"Good fucking job, Vantas," I whispered to myself, "It's no wonder fate always makes things go to hell for you. You're a fucking coward and you already have more than a piece of shit like you deserves. Fucking- he should fucking hate you. He should hate you beyond any of the nook-nuzzling quadrants. He should be going for your fucking neck whenever he lays eyes on you, you sack of shit." I sobbed. "God dammit. Fuck, fuck, _fuck!"_

I couldn't do anything to control my disgusting pink waterworks, and that only made me cry harder. It was all I could do to keep the volume down because otherwise there was no way he wouldn't figure out.

Dammit, that was what moirails were supposed to be _for,_ but I'd fucked this up so much that I couldn't even go to him. I don't know why I thought filling quadrants would make my life instantly better. Why the fuck did Past-Karkat have to be so stupid?!

Why was Present-Karkat still that stupid?

Eventually I cried myself out, but I still sat in the bathtub, shivering and clutching myself tightly. I still wasn't ready to face him. Then, of fucking course, there was a knock on the door.

"Hey, Kar-cake, the food's ready."

"Sure. Just give me a second."

"Karkat, what's wrong?" Shit, real name.

"I-" Quick, lie. "I just-" Dammit, think of something! "I had the sushi in the cafeteria today." Fuck, _why_ that? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Oh, God. I am _so_ sorry. I'll keep it warm for you."

"Thanks," I choked out.

I heard him walk away and slowly stretched out. I'd taken too long as it was. I had to go out and face him. Of course they'd take the best thing that had ever happened to me and turn it into my own personal hell. I wish Scratch still existed in this universe. It'd give me someone to be pissed at for orchestrating this shitfest. Instead it was just me. Me and my weakness, me and my fucking thick-headed attitude that had gotten us into this fucking mess in the first place.

No, fuck, that was gonna make me start crying again.

I washed my face, trying to clear the tracks of pink as best I could. There was nothing I could do about my eyes, though. They were completely fucking orange.

" _Well,"_ I thought, _"Maybe if you're lucky he'll assume that it's just part of being 'sick.'"_

I took a deep breath and unlocked the door. God, whatever he'd made smelled good. I made my way to the kitchen corner. John was just sitting at the table with a plate full of spaghetti and grub sauce. I stared it down hungrily.

"Don't worry. The rest is still on the stove. I made plenty."

I got some and _fuck_ it tasted even better than it smelled.

"Holy fuck, Egbert. You are a fucking spaghetti god."

He laughed. "Glad you think so! I got a different brand of sauce because it was on sale. I think it's just that much better."

"We're getting more."

"Whatever you say."

"Damn right you do what I say. Remember, I was your fucking god."

He gave me a shit-eating grin, "And here you said _I_ was a god."

"You're a spaghetti god. Those are down there with the gods of bulge sucking and dildo collecting. I was the god of a whole fucking universe."

"Psh, whatever."

"Psh."

"Psh."

"Psh."

"Psh."

"Pssssssssh."

He started laughing and I joined him.

"That's why I keep you, Karkitten."

"Sure. It has nothing to do with the fact that you wouldn't know your horns from your bulge if it weren't for me."

"Actually, I figured that one out pretty quick."

"Huh?"

"Come on, Karkles, you know the first rule of body changing: you have to check out what's under the hood."

"Fuck! I did not need to know that!"

He had the evilest look on his face I'd ever seen. "Man, you know we can literally fuck ourselves? And I don't know why that's so mean to say. It's _awesome."_

"Lalala, I can't hear your shit-spewing food hole, lalala!"

"Hey, does everyone have the same number of tentacle things? I'm honestly kind of curious."

That was when I reached across the table and smacked him. He giggled and good-naturedly hit me back. I stood up and tackled him to the ground. But the bastard is taller and heavier than me in every fucking universe, so it didn't take long for him to get me pinned. He pulled my arms above my head and started tickling me under my armpit. I knew I'd live to regret the day he learned about that weak spot.

"fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuck!"_

"Say 'uncle' and I'll stop."

"Fuck you!"

"Well, then." He grinned and kept going, shifting a little bit so that he could torture me even more.

Unfortunately for him, that meant moving closer to my face, so I licked his arm and he reeled back. That gave me the chance to flip us, and since _he'd_ started it I went for the back of his knees and he started giggling uncontrollably.

"Go-God. I hate you so much right now. I'm gonna g-go spades-y if you don-don't stop!"

"You _sure_ you could handle me as a kismesis, Egbert?"

I moved my head closer to leer at him, pressing extra hard on his knees for emphasis. Unfortunately, that also caused him to reflexively push forward and we butted heads really fucking hard.

"Shit, ow, fuck!"

"Jesus!"

I crawled off of him and said, "Okay, shit, let's not do this again."

"You mean until tomorrow?"

"I mean until my fucking bruise fades, asshole."

"Jerk-face"

"Nook nuzzler."

"Bulge biter."

"Dammit, when did you pick that one up?!"

"What do you mean? You say it like every day."

"Yeah, but it just doesn't sound _right_ when you do it."

The little shit stain stuck his tongue out at me before wandering off.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?!" I shouted. "You come back here!"

"Oh, chill out. I'm going to get a movie."

"A good one or one of yours?"

"Yes."

"Oh fuck me."

"Sorry, Kitkat, you're not exactly my type."

I grabbed the closest thing, which happened to be a ladle, and threw it at his head. He ducked, but it got stuck in his horns, which made him look even more ridiculous. I think he realized that because he grinned like an idiot and walked away without bothering to get rid of it.

Half an hour later the two of us were curled together on the couch, watching one of his god-awful movies. I survived by making commentary the whole time, but it just made him laugh. During one of the scenes, the main character's moirail was brutally killed by the bad guys. It was pretty standard for a troll movie death: complete disembowelment, yellow blood and guts all over the camera and actors. Actually it was a lot tamer than the old ones I used to watch when I was a wriggler, but for a squishy grub like John it was pretty intense. He was squeezing me almost to the point where I couldn't breathe but I just held him softly, stroking his hands.

"I'm so glad you're here," he said, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You never would have made it."

"I probably wouldn't have." That made me blush, but thankfully he couldn't see. "So thank you. So much. You've helped me so much, Karkat. I probably would have died a million times by now if not for you."

"You've helped me too. Asswipe."

He buried his face in my hair and smiled. And fuck if that didn't make me feel guilty. We ended up sleeping like that, a tangled mess on the couch with a shitty action movie playing in the background. It was so comfortable I didn't even notice I was falling asleep until I woke up and realized it was sunset and the view-cube was playing the menu over and over again.

John was still asleep, head buried in my shoulder. I couldn't risk waking him up my detangling myself, so I just stroked his hair, very gently brushing over those long, beautiful horns, for once not being irritated at them for making me be the little spoon. (Yeah, there was a pretty impressive height difference, but I mostly didn't want to get stabbed in the eye. Clearly it would be an accident, John had never had a malicious bone anywhere in his body, but it still would be awful for everyone involved. He might get close to me-levels of self-loathing and I don't know if I'd be able to stand that.)

He was mumbling something and purring softly. It was fucking adorable except for the part where he was drooling on me. That I could have done without. But whatever. He was nice and big and solid against my side. And, god did he smell good. With a jolt I realized that he'd used the soap I left here. I took one of his hands, which had flopped over the back of the couch at some point, and covered it in chaste kisses. His other arm tightened around me, and I turned to see big blue eyes staring at me.

"Good night," He said, giving me a sleepy kiss on the cheek.

"Same."

"D'you want breakfast?"

"You cooked last night. I'll get it."

"Thanks, Auto-Katze," He said with a yawn.

"What language was that?"

"German."

"That's a new one."

He grinned.

"Are you just looking up the words 'car' and 'cat' in every language known to troll kind?"

"I'll get there eventually. Otherwise I'll completely run out of obnoxious nicknames for you."

"You're crazy."

"I'm here with you, aren't I?"

I couldn't help but admit he had a point there. I shrugged and he let me go.

I stood. "Go back to sleep for a while. I'll wake you up when it's ready."

"M 'kay." But he was already curled back up, this time actually lying on the couch instead of just being slouched over.

I placed a hand on his shoulder to give him one last affectionate touch before I left. He smiled, and as I left I told myself that he would be just fine staying.


	7. Stupid Shitty Sad Seer Party

Of course, I like to lie to future Karkat because he's a smug asshole. Basically, John started getting depressed. Eventually it got to the point where it was obvious even to an insensitive idiot like me. He hid in the room a lot. He started to sleep more and eat less, and he was way less enthusiastic about cuddling.

Sometimes I'd be able to comfort him for a little bit, but by the end of the day he was back to being pathetic, and fuck was I pitying him. I just wanted to hold him tightly, to take away the pain he tried so hard to bury deep inside. But I was too fucking pathetic even for that. Sometimes when he got really bad I almost wanted to suggest he find a new moirail, maybe someone who was actually able to take care of him, who wasn't such a pathetic slime face. And then when I had thoughts like that it was even _harder_ to take care of him.

"I just don't know what to do," I admitted to Terezi one day when we were hanging out. "We're just both so fucking pathetic."

"Have you thought about telling him?"

"Are you crazy?" I snapped. "The last thing we need is for him to break completely."

"Right now it's a stress fracture. If we give him a clean break-"

"Then he'll hate me for it."

"Are you and I talking about the same John? Can he even hate _anything?_ "

"He said he kind of hated Vriska once."

"Yeah, but that's Vriska. You're you. And he still smells like he's just pitying you."

"How the fuck can you smell _that?"_

"The same way I can taste colors maybe? But that's not the point."

"Besides, it's not just pity."

"What do you mean?" She asked, tipping her head to the side.

I sighed. "He's still human really deep down. He actually loves me."

"Isn't that better?"

"It's easy to get hate from love than pity."

"Whatever. You're better with humans than me. But what always happens in your stupid romcoms when one troll hides something?"

"The other finds out and goes black. I know, I know. But I-"

She laughed harshly. "My God, Karkat. You really _are_ pathetic."

"I know." I groaned, burying my head in my hands.

"Maybe you just weren't looking right."

"At him?"

"No, for the rift."

"Terezi, that chance is long gone. It's been almost a half-sweep since then. There's no way that we can-"

"No. Shut up, Vantas. All this stuff about universe jumping, it's just like when we were in that fucking game."

"But we beat it, Terezi. Remember all that shit we did to make sure that we beat it, _really_ beat it."

"I know. I know that we didn't just beat it, we broke it to a million little pieces. But…" She paused dramatically.

I rolled my eyes, "But what, Terezi?"

"What if we kept some of those powers? Or those powers were just turned up natural abilities?"

"I haven't seen any of that."

"Yeah, well, you didn't use your powers like at all, so how would you know? But, I was thinking, if you wanted to find something, who would you ask?"

"Fuck, you just want to have a seer party with Rose and Kankri."

"Why the hell would I want to do that? I've never cared that much about either of them."

"Then why-"

She stood, "You know, Karkat, as cliché as it is sometimes I wonder who's more blind. I'm helping you because I pity you, dumbfuck."

"Oh."

"Don't worry. I know John pities you more than I do. Just remember that when you have to make your choice."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You'll understand when we get to it."

"Fucking seers."

She just gave me another shit eating grin and left. I wanted to flip her off, but the nook-muncher wouldn't have known anyway.

And then, of course, all of them met up the next day. Rose had moved back into the area a long time ago when she learned Kanaya was here. Dave and Jade had also mysteriously appeared right when Terezi called them. Which, you know, just figured.

I had to sit through about an hour of John and his friends having their tearful reunion (and I do mean tearful, it was a fucking mess. Absolutely disgusting.) And then there was all this weird affectionate shit, like horn-touching and looking closely at each other's eyes and all sorts of things no normal troll would let another who wasn't their matesprit or moirail do. It was awkward as fuck to watch, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I could tell there was too much emotion for even an asshole like me to interrupt.

Thankfully, Rose beat me to it.

"As happy as I am to see you, John, we need to work on sending you home."

He blinked at her. "What do you mean 'you'?"

She sighed. "Even if we do find the rift, I'm going to stay here."

"What? Why?"

She took Kanaya's hand. "I've got a life here, John. More of one than I ever had on Earth."

"But it's your home!"

"Sometimes it's worth leaving, John."

He gaped at her but then turned desperately to the other two. "Dave? Jade? What about you?"

"I'm coming!" Jade said excitedly.

"Me too," Dave said, "It'd be a harder choice, but the hemospectrum thing kinda gave me the short end of the stick."

"We'll have to work on cross-dimensional communication," Rose said. "If we get this to work, it shouldn't be too hard. After all, pesterchum still exists in both of our worlds, and that's where most of our interactions took place anyway."

"I guess, but…"

"Besides, it's not as though I'll be alone."

John's eyes darted down to their intertwined fingers before looking his friend in the eye. "Yeah, you're right." And then that idiot smiled again. Sometimes I hate how brave he makes himself.

"Shall we then?" Jade asked.

"I'll go get Kankri," I sighed. "Idiot's probably blogging again."

John laughed, "Probably."

And, fucking bingo, Kankri was there ranting away on his husktop. It must have been something "important" because he had the Vantas angry face on.

"Come on, fun-culler, it's time to go."

"Oh," he looked up, quickly calming himself. "Well, it's better this way anyhow. It's better not to get too involved in nay-sayers. They'll just be on the wrong side of history. Anyway, Karkat, I've been meaning to ask you-"

"Yes, I'll get the last of my shit out of here eventually. I've been _busy."_

"No, not that. Although you should collect your belongings one of these days. I wanted to ask, are you sure you want to do this?"

I was about to snap at him, ask what the fuck it was with seers and saying vague shit, but, fuck, this was Kankri. And if I could trust anyone with the shit rattling around in my think pan it was him. "Look, Kankri, for once I'm going to be honest, but just don't tell anyone, okay?"

"You know I won't."

"Good. Here's the thing: losing him is going to ruin me. I'm pretty sure I'll go off the deep end, but staying here is going to do the same to him. He can't be a troll. He loves too much, and he has too many issues hating and pitying. And John matters a hell of a lot more than I do."

"Karkat…" He walked over and hugged me. "For fuck's sake, you do matter. You're my little brother, and I've always- You're important to me."

"Kankri, I…"

For once both of us were quiet at once. We just stood there "hugging it out" like a couple of human meatbags, but fuck if it didn't feel good. I couldn't remember a time we'd ever stayed so close for so long. When we came apart he kept his hands on my shoulders.

"Maybe… maybe there's another way."

"What?"

"I'm not sure yet. Just trust me for a while."

"Well, I blindly trusted you for eighteen years and haven't died yet."

"That's the spirit, Karkat. Now, let's find John a rift."

I wish I could tell you that there was this big exciting ritual. I wish I could say that the seers and space players formed a ring around the three returning humans, and did some ominous chanting and there was wind and lightning and they discovered the location of the rift. Honestly, though, I have no idea what the fuck they did. They just locked themselves in a room while the rest of us waited, playing video games and watching movies to pass the time. It was kind of nice. Strider was a whole lot less of an asshole than he had been on the meteor. Maybe it was age, maybe it was growing up with an actual adult in his life instead of just a dickish older brother this time. The fact that he wasn't around Terezi might have helped too. But he was still kind of a grub-fucker and way too fucking good at video games. He was the only person who had ever consistently beaten me at Thresh-Culler K2, and so he still needed to die a horrible fiery death. Or would if John wasn't so – assuredly to me non-romantically – pale for him. When John went to get snacks, Dave turned to me and I thought he was going to call me out on the jealousy I couldn't help feeling.

"You sure you're okay with this?"

Okay, playing dumb would probably work here. "With what? You beating my ass? Well, guess what, Strider, I will be fucking you with a rake in the ear this next round. I _will_ have fucking revenge and you will feel so sodomized that-"

"No, not that. John going."

I turned away. "He's a grown-ass troll- uh, man I guess. Either way, it's his choice."

"I know. That's not what I asked."

"Jegus, fuck! First Kankri, now you. Am I wearing a fucking sign that says 'No, I don't want the best thing that's ever happened to me to leave forever, but be sure to ask me about it anyway?"

"Now that sounds more like you."

"Is that all you wanted? To make sure that I'm still a self-centered asshole? Because I'm telling you now that's never gonna change."

"For a self-centered asshole you're sure acting against your personal interests."

"I know. Don't you think I've been kicking myself for it for months now?"

"You know, you're not as much of a dick as you used to be."

"Same."

"You're still a douche, though."

"And you're still a horn-painter."

He held his hand out for a fist-bump and I obliged.

"Oh, are you guys getting along again?" John asked, coming back with a bowl full of chips.

"We had a conversation about your choice ass," Dave said.

"And?"

"We agreed that it is pretty damn choice, but mine is still better."

He giggled and I turned bright red.

"That fucking never happened, Strider!"

"Yeah, and my bro hates puppets."

John strategically sat right between us. "So who was playing next round?"

"I need to kick this fucker's ass," I said.

"Well, I was about to say the same thing about this bitch."

We smiled at each other and John rolled his eyes. "God, I will never understand either of you."

"And that's why you love the shit out of us," Dave said.

"You know it. Now come on, I wanna watch this. It'll be funny."

"There is nothing funny about the righteous ass-kicking Strider is about to receive."

"Oh, so you've dialed it down?" Dave asked. "Man, I was really looking forward to getting to know that rake biblically speaking."

I just started the round. And, thank God, that time I beat the little shit. John took Dave's controller and we were about to start when Jade threw the door open.

"We got it!"

"Where?!" John asked excitedly.

"It's not a 'where' John, which is why we were having trouble. It's about willpower. We just have to go far away from everyone who doesn't want to leave and focus on home, on being human. And then 'poof!'"

"That's all?"

"Well, a lot of us have to be doing it! That's how we got here in the first place, I think. The trolls were focusing on coming here and we came along for the ride."

"So that's all there is to hopping back and forth?" Dave asked. "Really?"

"Well, not quite," She said, frowning. "If we choose to go, it'll be a one-way trip, because it's where you really want to be- in your head, your heart, your soul. Kanaya, Porrim, and I can't figure out any sort of path you can take more than once, and all of the seers say that that anyone who leaves won't be coming back.

"Oh," Dave said, looking at his feet.

"So how do we- how do we do this?" John asked.

"As soon as you've made up your mind you'll disappear."

"But I already have, and, Jade, I'm still here."

"Well, you probably just haven't believed. Or else maybe there's something keeping you here."

"Oh. I see."

"Come on," Dave said with a smile, "You're the one who kept running headlong into shit that has a 99% chance of killing you. But now that it's a decision you've thought about for _months_ and will just result in being totally fine somewhere else you choke?"

"Dave, that was years ago. Things are different now." John was staring down at his feet, face painfully blank.

"Hey, man, it was just a joke."

"I know, I'm just saying-"

"Alrightie, then!" Jade said, stepping between them. "Now that we've got that figured out, maybe we should all just go home, think things over, that sort of stuff. We can just make a memo for once people figure out where they're going, saying if it works and where they end up.

The rest of us grumbled out an agreement and went our separate ways. John and I had been the last ones there, so his shitmobile was parked right in front and we could make a quick exit. He looked utterly lost in thought. I gently slipped the keys out of his hand.

"Don't worry," I said, "I'll get us home."

"'Kay."

It said something that he didn't want to do it. Sometimes he'd tell me driving reminded him of flying, moving so fast and with almost no resistance. He almost never seemed happier than when he was behind the wheel. The only issue was that if he _wasn't_ happy it showed. I had no intention to get us killed, so I would have gotten those keys away one way or another, but I was surprised to see his complete lack of resistance.

I wanted to say something, but just like always, because it was important I couldn't spit it out. I just nudged his shoulder with my own before we got into the car. He nodded and nudged me back. At least it was something. And it was all I would get until we were back in the apartment.

The next day he was still there. And then the week after that. And then the next month. Dave and Jade had gotten over he was still there. Hell, even Kankri vanished one day after telling me there was 'more work to be done.' But the next morning instead of waking up alone I found John curled up right next to me. I tried not to push. Sometimes when it got brought up he got even mopeier than he used to be. I couldn't figure it out. Hell, there didn't seem to be a reason. John Egbert just couldn't get himself back to earth.

Then one day Dave of all people started pestering me.

CG: STRIDER? THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

TG: i want to talk about john

CG: YOU WANNA KNOW WHY THE FUCKFACE ISN'T BACK YET?

TG: nope

TG: do you know why hes not back yet?

CG: THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK I JUST SAID. DID GOING BACK YOU'RE YOUR THINKPAN WITH MUD THAT WAS TWICE-REGURGITATED AND THEN SHAT BY A MOO-BEAST?

TG: is that a yes?

CG: FINE. FUCKING *ENLIGHTEN* ME, STRIDER.

TG: you dont have to be such a bitch about it especially since…

CG: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE STOP BEING SO FUCKING DRAMATIC. I AM FUCKING CONCERNED HERE.

TG: i was getting to it

TG: anyway

TG: he hasnt left because he cant wrap his mind around leaving you

CG: …

CG: …

TG: yeah

CG: ARE YOU TRYING TO BLAME ME STRIDER?

TG: no actually

TG: i just thought you should know maybe talk to him about it

TG: maybe stop being too stupid to see the obvious fucking solution

CG: ENGLIGHTEN ME, FUCKASS.

TG: lets think about this for a second

TG: why cant he leave?

CG: SO YOU *ARE* BLAMING ME

TG: no and im not telling you to leave him either

TG: youll figure it out

TG: everyone who comes back does it at the same time they left so i know

TG: the only problem is i have doomed enough timelines and i dont want to find out if its still possible

TG: good luck karkles

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG: FUCK

CG: FUCK YOU TOO, JACKASS.

I slammed my husktop shut after that and shoved it across my desk. I let my head fall down onto the space it had been sitting with a resounding thud.

"Karkat, you okay?" John asked looking over from the couch where he was watching yet another dumb movie.

I was about to snap at him but decided against it. Instead I just turned to look at him, those big blue eyes completely full of concern.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did." He paused the movie, though, so that I had his complete attention.

"I was just talking to Dave. And he said something. I just wanna know if it's true or not."

"Go ahead."

"He said the reason you haven't gone back yet is that you didn't want to leave me."

John froze, looking like he'd just been caught in the middle of robbing the Imperial Egg Bank.

"So it is true."

Should I have been happy? Sad? Angry? I had no fucking idea. My heart and brain were both showing static.

"Karkat-" He stood and came over to me. "Don't hate yourself for this."

"Why the fuck would I do that?" I asked.

"Because you blame yourself for everything. You're way too hard on yourself. And, look, this is _my_ inner conflict. But I guess I made my choice. I care about you too damn much."

"You can't spend your life worrying about someone like me. I'll be fine."

"Yeah, but I won't."

I looked up at him.

"I'm not a troll, Karkat. I'm not here out of pity. I'm here because I love you." He wiped his thumb across my cheek, picking up some stray tears I didn't know had fallen. "When I was younger I always wanted to marry some girl I fell head over heels in normal human love with. I wanted to have a couple of kids and get a nice house in the suburbs like I grew up in. But…" He bit his lip, looking unsure for a moment, but then he smiled and looked me straight in the eyes. "This last year and during Sburb when we got to be like this, I realized I liked this better. It's not big and exciting and hot, but Karkat, being with you feels so warm and safe and just plain happy. It's like lying in the grass in your backyard on a nice summer's day looking up at the clouds. You must have done that on earth. Remember how that felt? Or otherwise, like snuggling up with your favorite blanket in bed after a long day, sinking into a hot bath when you're sore beyond belief. It's any of those and all of them at once. That's what I feel like when I'm with you. Anything other than that- it's just empty. And I guess- I guess that's why I picked you over Earth." He leaned down and kissed my forehead. When he pulled away I saw blue tears begin to fall from his eyes. "Maybe I'm too human."

God, that hurt. It felt like someone was taking my heart and squeezing it. I stood and hugged him tightly. "Why the fuck are we both so damn dumb?"

"I don't know."

"And everyone keeps talking about this really fucking simple solution like-"

"I know, but I couldn't ask you to leave," He said, claws digging into my back. "I can't ask you to leave your planet now that you're home and-"

Oh. My. fucking. God.

I let go of him and hit myself on the head. "I am such a fucking idiot!"

"Well yeah, but-"

"Let's go."

"Karkat, I can't ask you to-"

"You're not asking, I'm offering. John, I don't even like it here that much."

"What?"

"I mean, yeah sure whatever, I'm probably supposed to be a troll. But the others always felt like something was missing when they were human. And I just- Kankri and I never did. Maybe we _were_ actually supposed to be human, and maybe that's why-" I wiped my face, gathering some of my red tears on my fingers. "Maybe we were born with this mutant blood because we were eventually supposed to go somewhere where it wasn't weird." I looked back up at him. "Hey John?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's go home."

He grinned widely and embraced me. I hugged him back, as tight as I could, squeezing my eyes shut.

" _Oh fuck me,"_ I thought. _"I'm gonna be spending the rest of my life with this idiot."_ But in spite of the actual words, even in my head the tone was warm, friendly, and so hopeful. And deep down I found I was happy beyond belief.

Both of us began to change. I just felt kind of weird and loose, but I noticed all of his changes. I noticed the slight rearrangement of muscles, his hair and skin growing softer, his jaw getting smaller but more rigid, and his claws retracting into his normal blunt nails. When I pulled away, he looked just like he always had as a human. Our background was the more muted, greener colors of Earth and the bits of my own face I could see had turned their normal stupid pink color.

I smiled again, blunt teeth rubbing slightly. He started laughing and squeezed me once more. I didn't close my eyes this time, looking out the window to see the gentle earth sun, a few green plants, and the square, orderly buildings beyond.

Yeah, I could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this the last chapter of this fic. However I have a few sequels in the works! So if you enjoyed this stick around and there will be more soon!


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